peace.love.life

boysxkissingx @ 2009-11-09T20:38:00

2009-11-10T01:38:40Z

I'm not dead.

boysxkissingx @ 2009-07-10T19:13:00

2009-07-10T23:35:33Z

Of course, there are things in life we do not want to deal with. And obviously we must compromise in order to make the best of our situations. Sometimes, I just don't want to compromise. Usually, I just want my way. More often than not, it doesn't happen like that. More often than not, I am trying to stand my ground in a baseless argument and wondering when the hell I will stop clamoring for reasons to hang on, and just let go.

Life is so strange in this way. I hate how windows and doors open so easily, it's green grass for miles until you finally realize it only looks green from the reflection of the grass on the other side of the fence. I have been taken to my wits end and back again, and I just don't know what to do. Letting go is certainly not my first choice--but seems a great deal better scenario than letting myself be a pawn in someone elses game; it is too often selfish, too often does it have nothing to do with my agenda and everything with theirs.

As I said before, compromise is key, and it works two ways. I have made a lot of compromises and I feel like some people never do. Or they make compromises that I certainly am not asking them to make, and holding that against me. I really truly feel as though I am not asking for much. I never straight out say "Listen, this is what I want. Give it to me." As much as that would probably help, I fear my mind would too easily change. I'm so flexible with everything. I don't want to set times and dates and limits for myself. I want to be able to go with the flow and wherever the day takes me, I want to follow it. I have no idea how long it is going to take me, or if I will ever be the kind of person who can say "I'm doing this at this time for this long, and when I am done I'm going to do this for this long." If I have a loose plan, it works for me because then I don't get upset when things don't go my way; I just know that I am going to get the things I need to get done, done.

I have realized over the last few months how much I've changed...grown up? I'm a completely different person. I actually care about what I look like and what my house looks like, and not so much about the clothes I wear or the car I drive or making sure the things I have are better than other peoples' things. I just want to know that I have the essentials and that I am taking care of my responsibilities and I'm going to try my damnedest to own up to every commitment I make, especially financially.

I have become so sick of those who do not--but not cannot--communicate. We all have voices, we all have feelings, we all have opinions. Nothing is going to change if you use your voice after the fact, after everything has changed. But we also must remember that just because you believe so staunchly in your opinion doesn't mean I do, too. Opinions are like assholes and everybody has one. Of course, assholes are not equal opportunity.

I am very much so my own person. I want very very very badly to not be tied down. That doesn't mean in the least that I don't want to be in a relationship. I love Kelly and our relationship is ideal in many ways. But, I don't want to be tied down by outrageous commitments or questionable "promises". I don't want to be framed into time slots and get 'in trouble' when I go out of bounds or run over or fall short. I just want to be. If I don't know what I'm doing tonight, I don't want to feel bad or feel as if I am getting punished by the way I am consequently treated. I want to be independent. I want to have consequences set by myself, not by others. I don't want to feel bad for not wanting to be boxed in...

Part of me wants to just scream and cry. Part of me wants to just rip all my hair out and throw a fit because I'm so frustrated. Part of me wants to give up on everything I'm doing right now and just quit...but I know in the end I will reap a true reward.

h.

boysxkissingx @ 2009-02-24T15:33:00

2009-02-24T20:42:38Z

Cassandra is a magnet for disaster. Mariann sleeps with the light on, she's terrified of what is in the dark, but she leaves the front door unlocked. Jodie, she never brushes her hair but she is the one who comes home late at night with different men, and if she's drunk enough, even women.

They met in their Women's Studies class back in junior year at Radcliffe, Jodie suggested to Cass that they have a study group, and they invited Mariann out of sympathy: her dark eyes and hair never garnered any attention, even from the professors. So she came, and they kept her because she always brought snacks (whole grain muffins, and sometimes home made potato chips). Afterward they'd sit on the lawn in front of their dorm and pass around a joint, Jodie would laugh for hours.

It was Cass's idea to get the apartment. A little three bedroom a mile away from Radcliffe. Only Mariann hadn't dropped out yet, but Cass and Jodie were both working full-time at the department store. Cass sold shoes, and Jodie crunched numbers and answered the telephone. Mariann's parents sent her money once a week, enough to eat and pay rent, sometimes a little extra so she could see a movie or something, but she usually just used it to buy something to smoke, to calm her nerves, she was always so on edge.

Cass was the one who got her the Xanax. She bought it off Derek, a guy she met at a bar a few weeks before. He had been to the house a few times, fucked Cass so hard he thought his dick would fall off (he even told her this when he was done, she just laughed). He'd said hey to Mariann and Jodie a few times, had his eye on that dark little girl in the other room, but he knew if he ever wanted to fuck Cass again, he'd stay away from those girls. Jodie had sucked him off in a movie theater once, but they never exchanged names, he doubted she remembered him: she was one of those girls who got around. The guys all knew Radcliffe was the place to go to get women who were desperate enough to fuck for free, anyone who has a cock was going to get something, someone. Anyone who had a cock and a barb was going to get a lot more than he bargained for.

And that's why Cass kept calling Derek. He came through everytime, fucked her raw, then gave her a handful of barbs (always told her not to pull a Marilyn, he'd read that somewhere), and told her to call him. She kept calling. He kept coming. He still wanted that dark little thing in the other room.

Weeks later, with Cass passed out next to him, he walked to the bathroom naked. Mariann was sitting on the toilet, her hand between her legs, feverishly petting herself beneath the mound of dark pubic hair. "Shit, sorry," Derek muttered, closing the door.

"It's okay," Mariann whispered, standing. "You can use the bathroom, I'm sorry." She sheepishly maneuvered past Derek, leaving behind the smell of gardenia.

"Would you tell?" he asked after her. She stared at him, confused.

"You can use the toilet...it's fine."

"Would you tell if we fucked?"

"I...we don't...I mean, I don't..."

"Just once."

Mariann packed her things on a Wednesday: a suitcase of old clothes, a dime sack, and a handful of barbs.

boysxkissingx @ 2009-02-07T09:40:00

2009-02-07T14:41:29Z

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

boysxkissingx @ 2009-02-03T03:10:00

2009-02-03T08:10:31Z

7/2006

    Every breath I breathe of you is intoxicating. Sometimes, you're nothing more than the memory of flowers on the windowsill, silk petal distractions and promises of love, forever. I used to fall into your promises and into your bed with no thought. My heart was a casualty in your battlefield; my body nothing more than a weapon I used to destroy myself. My mother would warn me about boys sometimes, but she never spoke a word about what men would do to me. I'd tell her not to worry, my heart was one of solid gold; I didn't realize until you that it was really one of stainless steel. The feelings I have for you are anything but regret. Your words are those inscribed on my heart, your actions are those printed on my flesh. These are the lessons I will disclose to my children.
    Sex was always something I regarded as nothing more than a hasty attempt to catch your breath, followed by a rush of pleasure and passion, and ultimately pain. The way two bodies come together is always beautiful; as priceless as diamonds, as timeless as pearls. The way two peoples' breath can rise and fall, synchronized feelings and bodies, and girls young and naive enough to call it "love." The price we pay for sex is no doubt the highest price we will ever conform to paying. We give away our bodies like currency, each time sure this time is different. This time it's real. This time it will last. I have learned through experience that no time will last. Each time our bodies come together--in every way it is possible to come together--I feel farther away. Being a part of someone else is the part that hurts the most.
    I try very hard not to become too attached, so words can’t touch me; pull me; drag me face down in the dirt. I am every part of myself, and no part of you. Our skin on skin will be a very cheap expense, an excuse for love or what it could be. You are unwritten novels. You are pages and pages of words yet untouched, untasted, unheard. You are waiting to be unraveled, undone. I know the mystery no one has cared enough to figure out. I know the truth.

boysxkissingx @ 2009-01-28T15:55:00

2009-01-28T20:58:35Z

Selfish is not a good look.

Friendships work both ways, not just when it's convenient for you. You say I don't have time for you anymore, but think about it. You're the one who will only see me when your husband is working. Other than that, it's husband time. So maybe I should see you around Kelly's schedule, too. It's not fair. Maybe if you made plans with me in advance, or cared to see me on days other than when Jack was working.

I love you and you know it, but just because you have a free moment doesn't mean I should drop everything to spend it with you. I want a life outside of you. Do you remember what it was like when you were my life? Not very fun for me. Maybe for you. But definitely not me. I'm happy. I wanna spend time with the person who makes me happy, just as you do. Try and respect that.

Writer's Block: Five-Finger Discount

2009-01-22T19:55:28Z

Have you ever stolen something and gotten away with it? Did you feel guilty about it later?

View 500 Answers

Oh, hai. Story of my life.

Sup, minor arrest record? (Why do you think I hate going to the mall? I have a trespass warrant. :) )

I swear to God

2009-01-21T04:23:03Z

meteor showers; shooting stars; 1.11, 2.22, 3.33, 4.44, 5.55, 11.11; first star I see tonight.

it works.

I am the one who likes gardenia.

2009-01-21T03:04:12Z

This time, just let me fall.

Nineteen is my favorite number

2009-01-20T01:48:47Z

And today is the 19th. So in honor, do this little survey. Kthx.

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Where do you live:
4. What are you studying/What are you working as:
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:

RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your lj so I can tell you what I think of you?

I Will Be

2009-01-20T01:39:49Z

There's nothing I could say to you
Nothing I could ever do to make you see
What you mean to me

All the pain, the tears I cried
Still you never said goodbye and now I know
How far you'd go

I know I let you down
But it's not like that now
This time I'll never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I thought that I had everything
I didn't know what life could bring
But now I see, honestly

You're the one thing I got right
The only one I let inside
Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me

And if I let you down
I'll turn it all around
Cause I would never let you go

I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life, I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Cause without you I cant sleep
I'm not gonna ever, ever let you leave
You're all I've got, you're all I want
Yeah

And without you I don't know what I'd do
I can never, ever live a day without you
Here with me, do you see,
You're all I need

And I will be, all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

All my life (my life), I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

I will be (I'll be), all that you want
And get myself together
Cause you keep me from falling apart

And all my life, you know I'll be with you forever
To get you through the day
And make everything okay

Oh hai

2009-01-19T19:05:32Z

Can't wait for tomorrow!

finally

2009-01-19T07:32:15Z

a new year's resolution.

smile this big everyday.

this is a battle, and it's your final, last call.

2009-01-17T20:00:20Z

I really love surprises, when they're surprises. Like, surprise! Here is a surprise. Not, "oh hai I have a surprise for you." My sense of curiousity is far too..heightened? Just fyi.

Sometimes

2009-01-17T07:49:49Z

life brings you surprises. like two rootbeers in a package of bottle cap candies.

boysxkissingx @ 2009-01-15T14:09:00

2009-01-15T19:10:31Z

Have you ever had an ant bite in your mouth? It sucks.

Love, love, love.

2009-01-11T04:35:43Z

I've wanted, for a long time, someone to come into my life, perhaps by surprise, take my hands and drag me head first (fearless) into this crazy whirlwind romance and make me fall head over heels in love; kiss me while I'm sleeping, break my heart when they walk away, even just for a day...give me butterflies just by smiling, tell me they want to spend their life with me and to feel, unabashedly, the same way. I have been wishing, for eleven, almost twelve years, for the person to come along on any given moment: shooting stars, 11:11, birthday candles, and wishbones. I let myself believe anytime someone shows interesting in me--This is it. This person is The One. They never are. But you know what? I'm having fun getting there. I think I am getting close.

boysxkissingx @ 2008-12-10T00:29:00

2008-12-10T05:31:41Z

Hm, hm, hm.

boysxkissingx @ 2008-12-08T00:13:00

2008-12-08T05:14:40Z

Sometimes I really, really, really hate my life.

I'm about a man tonight.

2008-12-01T01:15:08Z

I fumble, I falter. No words are ever right when it comes to you. I want so badly to fall in love with you, sometimes it hurts. I want so badly not to have ever known you, a part of me dies everyday when I see your face. You know why? Because you're not real. You're living, you're breathing, you have a body and you are tangible and sometimes even affable, but all of your emotions, they are fake. Everything about you is counterfeit. If I could, I'd take back every wish I ever had for you. You don't deserve anything more than the confidence you have for yourself. As soon as you have some faith in you, I'll try to, too.

boysxkissingx @ 2008-11-17T17:49:00

2008-11-17T23:03:48Z

"And these are her diaries," Marissa says, laying her hand on the stack of beaten and battered volumes. The pages are all ink stained, stories of love, friends, adventures, laughing, and crying. "I haven't read them," she says to the detective. "Addy hated that. She'd kill me if she knew I was even showing you."

Detective Tomlinson nods, then moves forward slowly. He gathers the journals. "Mrs Arinson, you know we're doing all we can," he assures her, gingerly turning pages. Looking, but not seeing. She nods, and pulls her sweater tight around her. The house is 80 degrees, but both of the adults are freezing. Addy Arinson has been missing for three weeks. They're trying every lead. They're meeting every dead end.

Later, at home, Jeff Tomlinson sits at his kitchen table. He opens up the first diary, and begins to read.

May 17-I wish I could run away. I'm so sick of the way they treat me, they're all motherfuckers and pieces of shit. I swear, if I could just get out of this town, things would be so much better. My father drinks to the point of oblivion, and fucking pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about when I tell him in the morning that he better fucking not touch me ever again or I'll fucking cut his shit off. I'm not playing, not anymore. I'm sick of it.

May 19-Robert Carniel told me I have "gorgeous hair" today. GORGEOUS HAIR??? I just said thanks, but what I really wanted to say was, "Thanks, Rob, and I'll bet you find it even more gorgeous while you're holding it back so you can see me suck your GORGEOUS COCK!!!

May 23-Today is my date with Rob. Told my mom I'm going to study with Amy because she hates Rob and thinks he's a terrible person because he has tattoos. Helloooo Mom, tattoos are fucking sexy...I bet she doesn't know I've seen Dad's but I have. He doesn't hide anything from me. I'll write more later...I gotta get ready. Rob's meeting me around the corner at 7:30, I don't want m&d to see him!

May 30-I had sex with Rob last night. It was okay. Don't see what all the fuss is about. After all that shit dad talks to me at night about how great it would be if I just let him fuck me...well, I just thought there'd be more in it for me. Guess not. We're going to try again today after school.

June 5-Dad found out I've been having sex with Rob and decided to punish me his own way, so he came into my room last night and FORCED himself on me. But on the bright side of things he got me off...Rob still hasn't...

June 10-Wow...Mom found my diary...

June 17-I'm leaving this shithole.

June 28-I think I'm pregnant. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

August 30-I wonder if it's a girl or a boy, and whether it belongs to my dumb fuck dad or my dumb fuck boyfriend.

September 17-To whomever is reading this now, I've killed myself in Grover's Field. See you when I see you. --Addy.

boysxkissingx @ 2008-11-12T22:18:00

2008-11-17T03:19:04Z

whoaaaa 5

boysxkissingx @ 2008-11-09T13:28:00

2008-11-09T18:50:16Z

boysxkissingx @ 2008-11-09T03:59:00

2008-11-09T09:02:47Z

fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Really I fucking HATE you so fucking much

I'm so FUCKING SICK of acting neutral toward you like NOTHING FUCKING AFFECTS ME but it fucking does
and I need you OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE like you wouldn't believe
I fucking hope you die
you are fucking PATHETIC
your life is going fucking no where
I fucking hate you so much
never fucking talk to me again
you are fucking..gross
i really really really really really really really fucking HATE YOU more than you could imagine
go fucking jump off a cliff
or fucking DROWN IN SOME FUCKING BIG MACS YOU DIRTY FUCKING DUMB CUNT I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

boysxkissingx @ 2008-11-08T22:54:00

2008-11-09T03:54:51Z

"Well, so much has changed," she says, wringing her hands.

"You're nervous," he observes. "Don't be. I'm not going to hurt you." She meets his eye.

"I know that, don't be stupid. I trust you. This is just weird."

"So, what's changed, Marissa? Tell me what's so different you can't be with me?"

She turns away, stares into the setting sun until she sees nothing but black. "Brian, I don't want to hurt you, okay?"

"I don't want to, either. Just be with me, Marissa. Please. We're meant for each other."

"I'm pregnant. Okay? I'm pregnant."

He stares at her, watches her irises enlarge as her eyes fill with tears. He reaches out and touches her cheek. "I love you," he says. "I'll always love you, okay?" Marissa nods, her heart breaking as she watches him walk away.

"I love you too," she answers. The sun sets, anyway.